Warning: this is some pretty heavy content so feel free to skip it
So the main reason for changing the blog name to 'Empty Journal' is because that is how I wanted to treat it; I wanted it to be my online journal that I could fill with whatever I felt that I needed to say during that moment in time. If you're reading this post then I have been really brave and decided to share this part of my life with you all. I have been open with many aspects of my life over the years on here but I have never talked about my love life. Many of you probably don't even want to know about it so feel free to stop reading.
So here's the thing...
When I was 11 years old I met a boy who I instantly felt drawn to. After 6 years of beating round the bush we both admitted to each other how we felt. We finally got into a relationship and I was really happy for a while...before it all went wrong.
The thing is, I know for a fact I was a very hard person to be in a relationship with. There are things that have happened in my life that very few people know about and they taught me not to believe in love. I would constantly see these people out and about, or read about the/watch them and they would claim to be in love. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart (which is rather ironic...maybe its because I want it to be real so badly) and seeing this kind of stuff honestly makes me cry my eyes out. I do this because I have never had that kind of constant affection in my life, from female family members yes but never from a male one (except my Grandad but that's a whole other kettle of fish).
I spend so much of my time dreaming, hoping and praying that this "love" existed until I came to the realization that it might exist for some people but I will just never feel it. You may think that it sounds super over dramatic because I'm only 19 bla bla bla but my therapist said it's something called "experiential avoidance" and that's why I'm so scared of it going wrong.
Anyway, for 10 months I was in a relationship with this guy and I thought to myself "maybe I can have it". Then it all hit the fan. He told me he began to feel very low and was having trouble sleeping, and I instantly did everything I could to help and support him. I tried my very best but I had worries in the back of my mind that I was the one causing it. I never shared with him when I was feeling low or had harmful thoughts etc, I would fake a smile and get on with my day but eventually he told me I made him feel depressed and I was making him physically ill.
This is a person that I think never really wanted to date me in the first place. It was my biggest fear coming true. I've grown up with a fear that I'm "toxic" (which friends have told me too) and that anyone I get close to is going to end up hating me because I will drag them down and make them feel so emotionally low. I've always been very careful with my friends, him and my family. I never tell them how I truly feel and no matter how low I feel I never lean on them. I do this now because the past has taught me this lesson. I have learned that if I want to be helped then I have to help myself. I have to be my own saviour.
I have beat myself up over this for a long time now. (I had to break it off for his sake in late November/early December last year) but sadly I think I still love this guy. I'm still very confused about how I feel about it and because I have no one to tell it to (I tried with him and trust me he doesn't care) I've ended up writing it on here. Maybe this will be the therapy I need to begin to change how I feel.
I guess I wanted to write this here because maybe I'm not the only person that feels this way. They came up with a psychological term for it so I'm clearly not. And if there is someone out there that feels this way then I want you to know that you're not alone! I'm working so hard everyday to improve my mood because of this situation and to not lose hope. I constantly try to live in the hope that maybe one day there will be someone who can be there for me, can handle my issues and that will stick by me. Who knows?
We have so many things that are uncertain in our lives and we cannot lose hope that one day we will find them. As usual I use my blog posts as a form of therapy for my own mind. I get things off my chest and find some way to turn it into something positive. I hope you can all understand that that;s what I have tried to do here. Please let me know what you think of this post. I try to be very positive on here so if you all think it's too negative then I will remove it straight away.
Stay strong. Everything happens for a reason.
Love,
Louise x
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