I tell the world!

Okay guys, so I haven't been on here in a while but a lot of you know that recently I have been on NCS with the challenge over summer. I have had such an amazing time and met wonderful people that have really changed my life for the better. During week 2, we attended a speakers trust conference about public speaking. I was tasked, along with everyone else in my wave, to write a speech about something I am passionate about changing in the community. Because it it very close to my heart, naturally I chose mental health stigma. That  very day I had forgotten to take my medication and so my anxiety was a little high but the amazing bond and care that my team showed when I had to leave to go back to the flats and take it astonished me. It gave me the confidence to come clean to those 12 people about the fact that I suffer from multiple mental health illnesses.

It was a very risky thing for me to do and I'm so grateful that I came to a point where I was able to tell them, especially as we had only known each other a little over a week. It really makes me happy to be able to say that they accepted it completely. My mentor knew how close to my heart it was before others (because he already knew) and he helped me gain the confidence to tell everyone else. They still treated me the same as they did before and supported me completely.

Over the course of the day, my team had to choose 3 people to present their speech to over 60 people (aka my wave and some mentors) and surprise surprise, they voted for me to present mine. They were all very considerate of my feelings with the way that I may feel about presenting a speech that was very 'close to home'. Thankfully I found the courage to do just that! I said my speech to the wave and told them that I was ill and the affects that stigma had on me. It felt good to give a speech on mental health and make people more aware of the issues that follow it. I was met with a very positive response from everyone and was very happy about the outcome.

I'm also pleased to inform you that one of the other groups campaigns is based on depression and the stigma attached so there will be more details on that for you soon.

"never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game"
Louise xoxo

My life; I wouldn't change

My turn for the worst has been a rather long and tiresome journey. Although I am 17 now, I have suffered with all variations of depression, from severe to suicidal to even a minimal amount. I will start from the beginning and in order. 

The earliest I can remember of any signs of myself with depression was 13 years ago. I was greatly fond of my uncle, I was closer to him than my own parents. He decided to get into a relationship with my closest friends mother, to which he stopped visiting me. Remember, I was only about 4 years old when this happened and for me, that was a big deal. He bought me all the things little kids would adore, and all was gone overnight. Being so young I had no clue of other things happening at the same time; those of which I understand now. 

Later on in life, I started losing contact with many of my family members; aunties/uncles and so on. Now, I only have contact with my mother and father, I have also lost my siblings. I love my parents only because I will only ever have one mother and one father; I don't agree with everything they have done. Granted, they both have done everything they can to make me happy and to protect me. My father has suffered with bad drinking habits for over 20 years and some minor depression. My mother has suffered with severe depression, anxiety and a minor case of schizophrenia. My mother ended my parents nearly 26 year long relationship because she had found another man. What she didn't realise was how much it would affect me.

 Not long after this had happened, my longest relationship fell through and under so much stress and pressure from everything; I took an overdose. The amount I took didn't affect me luckily. My dad's own business fell through about a month before meaning there wasn't much money for any of us and my mother doesn't work. 

I was teased throughout my school years. I was teased and bullied for 8 years straight and it started when I was in year 4, I'm not sure what that would be for anyone not in the UK. Due to my uncle suddenly leaving, I gained some sort of depression which caused me to gain weight. To this day I'm still trying to like who I am. I was teased about my weight until I went to secondary school (high school). When I then started there, people bullied me. They threw things at me verbally insulted me and even poured liquids on me. To this day I still believe what they said. For anyone who is interested, although embarrassing, people commented on my hygiene. Saying I smelt of this that and the other. The real fact was, I have 7 cats, 3 dogs and a parrot, which would amount to a strange smell of animals. The worst part was, not only was I bullied and teased by students; but also staff. They called me into offices and told me I should go and have a wash but there was not a day I went in with greasy hair or a smudge of dirt on my body. I still don't know if what they said is true or why they even did it. I was reduced to tears many times in that place, it has affected me that much that sometimes I'm scared to go out in case I see one of the former bullies or even the staff. At the time of bullying, I was so scared if someone had to sit near me, I was scared if the teacher had to mark my work; I used to move away in my chair as much as I could. I reported a few times but it only got worse and nothing was really done, so I gave up in the end. I can honestly say, I didn't even get a true friend out of that school. My college life has been decent compared to my school, which I am glad about. Now I am on two anti depressants a day in the morning to try and help me feel better. I'm not sure if they're worth it. I don't know if it is the anti depressants making me feel better or if it is things in my life getting better.

It hasn't helped me with my dad's constant drinking all my life, seeing how bad he would get and how it pushed the family apart didn't help me at all. My moms past hasn't helped at all, she now hears voices of a man she was once with, saying everything is her own fault. Trying to help her handle her constant breakdowns had emotionally drained me. 

Overall, most of the ways it has affected me are obviously negative such as depression and anxiety. However there is positives too, all of these things which have happened has given me experience in life. For example, if I never got bullied and teased, I would either have turned out to be a girl who thinks she is better than everyone else or I would have been a bully. If I never took an overdose then I wouldn't have got the help I needed and now I can say I can help others in that situation. Everything that has happened in my life has made me who and what I am now. Probably sounds cliche as you hear it all the time, right? But without all those negatives, would I really have found a better positive from it? You have to have been in that situation before to actually help someone and to say you feel sorry for them. 

Yes, it's been a rough and tiresome journey but I wouldn't change my past now. It has made me a wiser, better young adult. There will always be positives and negatives in every situation but take a moment to think. There's more positives than negatives. 

It has been rewarding to say the least. 

-Katie