Disclaimer: what I am about to talk about isn't gospel. It doesn't happen for everyone. these are my personal views and experiences. For some people, exercise is an excellent tool for managing their weight in their recovery and they truly excel at owning their mind and body! It's a safe and healthy way for them to retrain their brain...but this isn't true for everyone. I'm a firm believer in sharing all sides of the story so that we can provide more support for everyone.
One of the issues that has been commonly linked with Eating Disorders is over exercising...and I am guilty of this one. During the midst of my issues, I would be eating no more than the size of my fist (might I add, I have child sized hands strangely) a day and exercising for at least 2 hours daily. For me, the struggle of pushing yourself in exercise somehow linked in my brain as the same kind of self-torture that self harming does. I was finding more and more ways to make my life a horrible thing. Not only was I making myself look bad on the outside with all of my scars and bones sticking out but I had made my insides a complete mess. Let me tell you, when a small baby can eat more solids in one sitting than you then you know you're in trouble.
When I went to therapy, it was suggested to me (as I've been told it is commonly for others in my position) that maybe I should try to eat 6 small meals a day (known as "little and often") to keep my metabolism going and that maybe I should try to build my muscle back up with exercise. Now remember, when your body runs out of fat to burn, it attacks your muscle because there isn't anything else substantial enough to keep it going so I had little muscle left and so I could barely move 9/10. At this point, I was pretty much a ghost of my former self.
I tried to cling to the familiarity of the misuse of my body, because obviously I still thought that it was the only way I would ever be "happy". We all know what a load of crap that is though, that was the ED talking and so I used the offered exercise as a way of controlling what should have been my natural weight gain. The more I gained weight (I was slowly getting back a little bit of curve), the harder I pushed myself with exercise.
After this, I went the complete opposite. It was easily noticeable that while I was concentrating on getting over my eating issues, my Depression was getting worse and so was my Anxiety. Because of this, eventually that mind-set began to overtake and then I wasn't allowed to exercise at all. I was put on a ban by my doctor and therapist. the natural weight gain then happened and the cycle seemed to just keep going around and around for me.
Now this post so far has been kind of negative and for that I apologise but there's something I need you guys to realise....it takes time to get your mind back to the right place before you can try to tackle some of these things again. you need to focus on the causes of those thoughts and retain your brain to reject them first. After 2 years in Ed recovery, going back and forth between relapses and recovery I am finally in a place where I can begin to treat my body with a little more care physically. I am now experimenting with different forms of exercise that will help me strengthen my body without being triggering. There are so many things out there that will help you get back on track, if only you keep going. It does get better, but you have to have the strength to fight so you can get to it.
Keep your eyes pealed for the next post where I talk to you guys all about these different options and just what they can do for your mental positivity.
Stay strong, never give up.
Love,
Louise x
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