Talking

I'm sure all of you know it can be incredibly difficult opening up to people about how you're feeling, and what's going on inside your head. 

Telling someone in the first place takes a lot of time and courage, but first off, no matter how weak you might feel, I want you to know that you are brave, and so much stronger than you realize. You're brave for coming as far as you have already, for still being here, and you can go that step further. 

There is nothing shameful about asking for help. There's a lot of stigma around mental illness, but there shouldn't be, and together we can work to end that. In the meantime, there is still no reason to be ashamed of needing support, so try not to be afraid to ask for it. There are so many people around you who want to help - you just have to let them know that you need it. 

**Feel free to skip this part, this is just some stuff about my experiences!** 

For me, I only told people when I reached breaking point. I know that really I left it later than I should have, but the important thing is that I was given the help I needed. First of all I spoke to my favourite teacher at school. 

The thing I was most scared of was my mom finding out. Fortunately at my school it is not in their policy that parents have to be notified about the kind of thing I went to them about, but that isn't the case for all schools. The teacher just had to notify my head of year, who called in a nurse to assess me. (She didn't come for a month or so though, and by that time I had already looked for help elsewhere). 

I knew my mom was going to have to find out at some point, so I finally resolved that it would be better for me to tell her myself than for her to find out from someone else. I asked her not to get angry or too upset, and she reacted much better than I had ever hoped. It hasn't always been easy with her since she's known, but I'm lucky to have her understanding overall. 

She took me to the doctors, where I was referred to CAMHS urgently because of the nature of my situation. There, I had my initial assessment where I was asked about what I spoke about at the doctors, but in more detail to see if they could help. I was then given further appointments at CAMHS with a psychiatrist and a therapist, both of whom I still see. 

That was a year and a half ago, and while I've moved on from where I was, I've only recently properly started to open up. 

**Okay I'll shut up about myself now**

A year and a half of therapy, and I've barely started! I know, it sounds ridiculous. But I'm sure a lot of people can relate, because like I said, it's hard opening up to people and telling them what's going on inside your head. 

It's hard, but it's worth it, and you've got to find what works best for you. 

Some people can just go in and talk; the words just come tumbling out for them. Others come to speak and suddenly no noise will come out even though the words are in their heads. People might go in knowing there are things they want to say, but completely forget them when it comes to actually talking. Or there are people who are just scared of saying what's wrong, be it for fear of judgment or anything else. 

It's completely fine and natural to feel any of these things, and more. It's just that you need to find a way of expressing yourself, getting what you need to talk about out in the open, because keeping it locked away inside is unhealthy - it's like a poison, constantly eating away at you. 

I'm going to make a list of things I've tried, and that I've heard about, and hopefully some of them might work for you: 

• Write it down. This might seem obvious, but for a lot of people it works. If you get into the office and your mind goes blank, you've got what you need to say written down in front of you. You can give it to your therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist / whoever to read, or you can read it out yourself - whatever you're more comfortable with.
  Of course, this doesn't work for everyone - you might get too embarrassed or worried to show them what you've written. Just keep looking for what works! 
• Draw it. This definitely sounds weird, I know haha, but often you've got images in your head of what you're feeling, whether they're realistic - (e.g. people, monsters, storms, etc.) - or abstract - (e.g. sharp angles and edges, scribbles, darkness, etc.) - and you don't need to be good at art to draw them up. Just outline the basic picture if you want, or go all the way and put in great detail if you want to; whatever you'd prefer. Then showing this to your therapist can really help to get the conversation going. It might not be obvious to them right away what it means, but they can ask questions about aspects of the picture that can start you talking about things you wouldn't have brought up otherwise. 
• Don't be afraid to interrupt! I know this can be a daunting prospect, especially with anxiety, but they are there to listen to you and will not be angry if you ask them to stop talking so you can tell them something. My therapist could talk for England - she goes on and on at 60mph and it can be hard to get a word in edgeways! But I've finally realized that it's okay to say "please stop, I want to tell you this", because often it's a split second thing when a thought comes into your head and you think, "I want to say this". Many times, I've just let it go, but not anymore, and it's getting me a long way. 
• Contradict them if they get something wrong. My therapist has made assumptions about me a few times that were waaaay off. If it happens to you, you need to tell them that they're wrong, or they'll take it and run with it, coming up with all sorts of things that you know aren't true of you! It's okay to say "no, that's not right". They won't be offended, because it's literally their job to help you in a way that's tailored to you, and they can't do that if they don't know what you're feeling. 
• Prepare yourself mentally before sessions. When you get into a session and actually do start to talk about a topic, there's no way of sugar-coating it - it's going to be emotionally draining. At that point, you can find yourself just wanting to shut down and stop responding. You can't let yourself do that - you can't recover without dealing with the hard things. So before sessions, ready yourself. Remember deep breathing and mindfulness skills (which I'll post about another time), and know that getting these things out is for the best. If you don't deal with them, they'll be there forever. You can do it, you just have to let yourself, and let your therapist help you. 

That's it for now, but if I think of anything else I'll be sure to make another post. 

Please leave comments about ways you open up - it just might help others, and it'd be interesting to know! 

-E xo