Okay, so I recently tweeted to you guys about a weird statement;
My illnesses used to be my enemies...now they're my friends....what?! Blog post about it soon!
— perks of recovery (@perksofrecovery) April 19, 2014
I got some weird feedback from that tweet. Some people said that they couldn't wait to see what my explanation was, others were just plain confused.
Basically here is my reason;
Everything that has happened to me, everything that I go through every day makes me who I am. it has taken me a long time to realise that and I will admit, sometimes it is a struggle to keep believing that. Its so easy for me to slip back into that depressive state where I literally cannot function, where i cannot eat, where i over exercise, i self harm and just cry myself to sleep at night. the truth is, i cant live like that. I mean, I literally cannot live like that because it was slowly killing me. I had to stop hating parts of myself because it was only reinforcing the negative things that they were teaching me. I had so much hatred for my illnesses, I thought that they were ruining my life. I didnt want to live anymore and I blamed them (and consequently myself) for that. I hated my illnesses and the voices of my illness hated me. It was a vicious cycle that was swallowing me whole.
I had to come to the realisation that they were a part of me. Although I didnt realise it at the time, they were a gift. My eating disorder, depression, anxiety and self harm all served as experience for me that gave me the push to create Perks Of Recovery with Alyssa. The things that were killing me became my salvation. I have met so many wonderful people and grown as a person so much in the past 10 months because of being ill and I will never be more grateful for that.
People say that when they are relapsing, their illness has "reared its ugly head again". I don't believe that. I embrace my illnesses as old friends. I accept that they are in my past, that they have served a purpose and that without them I wouldn't be who i am today. When I relapsed recently, I came to the conclusion that there was something new that I needed to learn from myself. This was it. This message that I give to you is what I learned through relapse. So from now on, don't see a relapse as a failure, see it as a greeting to an old friend. (Please don't think that i mean to get you to embrace what your illnesses are trying to get you to do, thats not what i'm trying to say). When you meet an old friend, there is always that knowledge that whatever you have done together, that bond however strong you may think it to be, is in the past. This is how I encourage you to see your troubles and your fears. Accept The lessons that your past has taught you. If you don't accept them then how are you expecting to carry on with your life.
Accept all parts of you, you need to be loved. You deserve to love yourself.
Accept your past and look to the future.
Stay strong
-Louise xoxo
