Letting Go

Letting Go

This week is Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2015. 

It jogged my memory that it was about time I wrote another post ……

One of the hardest things for me is having the confidence to “let go” and to let my loved one take more responsibility for her eating disorder.

You carry your children for 9 months (actually 9 ½ in my case), feed them, nurture them, run  round after them, embarrass them (not sure that my son has ever forgiven me for dashing onto a rugby pitch to check he was alright! J )… and the whole point of this is so that they grow up to become independent and good people and you let go…..

I will be honest – this is not something I have found easy – my children mean the world to me and my instinct to protect them is rather strong.  I am a worrier.  Couple this with a child with an eating disorder and it is even harder.  I so much want to protect her, want her to be well, want her to be independent and at the same time my mother’s instinct kicks in and I am scared to let go, scared that she needs my help, scared that she won’t eat.

At the height of her illness my daughter went to university – I supported her decision to leave hospital and to do this – despite wanting to envelop her in “cotton wool” – I let her go – even writing to her medical team to show support for this idea.   I feel like I lived these years in a state of constant worry – behind the scenes I was ensuring care was in place, I trusted her to let me know when she was struggling and I would hop on a train and stay nearby for a few days.  The university medical centre took care of her – monitoring her regularly.  I had to trust that they were doing their job.  I had to trust that my daughter was being open with them.  It was hard – but how proud I was of her on the day she graduated, I was so pleased that I had been able to let go enough to let her achieve this .  She needed to experience the world for herself.

My daughter came back home after uni and lived here for a while.  It was hard – my protective instincts cut in again when I could visibly see that she wasn’t eating enough, that she was spending hours at the gym.  We tried the encouragement, we tried the nagging – at the stage of illness my daughter was at – it didn’t help – in fact it made things worse.  She understandably felt that we were watching her all the time.  I knew the GP was monitoring her so I forced myself to try to ignore the ED behaviour (I admit that I wasn't always 100% successful at this!)  – and what do you know – it didn’t get any worse – in fact she managed and far far better than I thought she would.

At some point, a person with an Eating Disorder needs to take responsibility for themselves, they need to learn how to manage it themselves.....

Letting go – it is hard – but just sometimes (depending on the circumstances) it can be the right thing to do.

Ann