Its never too late (to say hello spring)

So spring has finally sprung, the weather here in Britain is finally starting to pick up... kind of. There are less gale force winds, constant hail and pouring rain.... Actually it always rains so never mind that last part. One of the main messages about spring is that it is a time for new beginnings. It contains a very religious time for some people and for others it can just mean chocolate, flowers and easter egg hunts.

No matter what easter or spring time in general means to you, just remember that it is never too late to start a clean slate. It doesn't matter what your situation is emotionally, physically or even environmentally. There are always going to be times when we 'mess up' which can then lead to an even longer period of time where we are beating ourselves up for it. Upon reflection, I realised that this is just a waste of time. Whatever has happened is now in the past, it is up to us to either learn from it or even just pretend it never happened. (Personally I like to learn the lessons in my mistakes so that I am less likely to do it again). Any extra time spent stressing over what has happened will more than likely just lead to negative feelings. If there is a way to make up for what has happened in a positive way, then by all means go for it. If not, just concentrating on what you can do to make the present better for yourself and everyone/everything around you is enough.

I have spent many restless nights tossing and turning, blaming myself for things that have happened and thinking of drastic ways in which I can make myself suffer as a kind of comeuppance for what has happened. I never realised that i needed to forgive myself as much as I am prepared to forgive others. Things are often said in the heat of the moment and whilst it can really hurt, you owe it to yourself to come to terms with what has happened and move on.

It is never too late to start a fresh and build something new. Spring is a very inspiring time for this but it doesn't matter where you are or what is happening. The only thing that is stopping you is yourself.

Everyone makes mistakes, we just have to learn from them.

Stay strong
- Louise xoxo

Wonderful things lie on the other side of fear

"Don't let the fear of relapsing keep you from recovery"


This thought, the thought of relapsing kept me from continuing my recovery for SO long. I recently talked to a friend about her illnesses and one thing that she said that I can really relate to is that she was scared to continue with her recovery because every time she had made the decision to begin her recovery, she would relapse and each relapse would be worse than the last.

One thing that I have realised, after suffering from similar illnesses than her (and I believe that it is the same for all mental health illnesses), is that recovery is not just one single decision. you don't just wake up one day and think "I'm going to recover" and then BAM you're fixed. This isn't the case, it takes lots of constant fixing and I have to continually make the decision of recovery every day (sometimes multiple times a day!)

I honestly wish it was just a simple decision that I had to make once and then I was recovered. Its not that simple. We have to constantly work for the things that we want, and soon they will get easier. All my life people have always told me to "try,fail and try again" or "practice makes perfect". I came to realise that they are right. The decisions that I make daily to aid me in my journey of recovery have become more of a routine for me. (Maybe I will even write a post about my daily routine to help me begin the day right).

My point is, recovery is a long journey, it takes a lot of time and effort to learn to see the world with a new pair of eyes. We are literally changing the way that we perceive things and the way that we live our very lives. There will be times where you will have bad days, just remember, that one bad choice does not rule out the list of good/positive things that you had done before it.

Stay true to yourself and dont be so hard on yourself.

-louise xoxo

The side of OCD that people don't see - Part 1

"You're so OCD!"

"That's such an OCD thing to do"

"Oh I have OCD when it comes to my pens, they have to be colour coded"

These and similar statements are things I'm sure you've heard quite often, and that you've probably said yourself. The problem here is that they are often said by or about people who do not have OCD, and this creates a problem by which it is made to seem less important and complex than it really is. This, in turn, means that genuine sufferers are downplayed, and people are highly misinformed on what these sufferers are going through, leading to a sense of isolation and insignificance. 

OCD is a condition that should not be trivialized by these casual comments. It is a serious problem that takes over people's entire lives, which is why it is not okay to talk about "how OCD you are" because you like to be organized. 

THE MAIN PART OF THE POST: 

The media representation of OCD (and therefore other people's impressions of it) are based around the "C" - the compulsions. However, there is a darker side to OCD that people don't often get to see. It is hidden away and skirted around, because being neat and tidy is much easier to swallow than this part. This needs to stop, because people need to know about it so that they can realize that they are not alone. 

I'm talking about the obsessional thoughts. These are repetitive, unwanted thoughts, images or impulses that a person finds unacceptable, awful, horrible, repugnant. They are incredibly distressing and mentally exhausting, and can be debilitating. 

The most important thing to note about these thoughts is that they are ego dystonic. This means that they are contrary to the person's view of themselves - they do not want to think or see the things invading their minds, loathe the thought of carrying out their impulses. 

The obsessive thoughts can concern a range of different things, from abusing others to blaspheming to pedophilia. These are awful, disturbing things, and it is vital to know that the person experiencing the thoughts does not want to carry them out. That is the key difference between OCD and certain other disorders involving such thoughts. 

The best way of describing these thoughts is essentially as worries, or at least causes of worries. The person is worried that they will carry them out. 

The reality is that they won't! If you're experiencing these obsessive thoughts, I want you to know that you are not alone. Having these thoughts does not make you a bad person. They're only thoughts, nothing more, and they definitely don't mean that you're going to act on them. 

It has taken me years - long, terrifying years alone with these thoughts - to finally come out and tell my therapist about them. I was so terrified of judgment, because I didn't know that other people thought things like this. I was so scared of hurting people, of doing things, things I never actually wanted to do, things that paralyzed me in fear and disgust. And yet, finally, I told her - and she understood. She immediately recognized what I was going through as obsessive thoughts. She did not judge me. She still cared about me. She still wanted to help me as best she could, and she is continuing to do so. So just know that as long as you go to the right people, they can help you to understand what you're going through, and finally start to help you to get your life back from the thoughts that take over your mind. 

In the second part of this post, I'm going to move on to talk about compulsions and neutralization actions, so stay tuned, and most importantly stay strong. 

"When everything happened did you tell people what was going on?"

We recently got asked this question on twitter:

I thought I'd answer it on the blog because I feel as though a lot of people may want to know about this.

Personally, no I didn't tell people what was going on. I didn't tell people how I was feeling, I just kept it all bottled up inside, which inevitably made things a lot worse for me.

Well, I did talk about it to one person, though, so I guess part of that was a lie.

I spoke to an online friend, who was also going through mental health issues. Venting to her really did help me a lot, I knew that I could trust and confide in her, and she would be able to relate to my problems because she was going through it herself.

However, I didn't talk to any of the people around me about it for a long time, and in some ways I still haven't Honestly, I don't know why I didn't tell them back then, when I didn't really self harm much. But, if I did, I think I would have got help sooner, before my problems got worse, and wouldn't be in the position I am now. In some ways I am grateful for that, as I wouldn't be blogging about this today and wouldn't be helping people like I am now. But I don't know if I would do it again, if I had a chance to redo it all, or if I would have spoken to people about it, but I think you should.

Eventually, yes, people did find out about my problems, and it turns out quite a few of my friends have self harmed in that past. Nobody ran when they found out I self harmed or had depression. Some people probably didn't even care. Not in a way such as "oh she's depressed and self harms, who cares" but "So what if she's depressed? So what is she self harms? She's still the same person, and I'm not going to leave just because of that".

So, no I didn't tell people what was going on, when it was going on. I didn't feel comfortable talking about it, and I still don't. Unless I know that that person has gone through the same/similar issues. But that's just me. I do however know that if I did choose to talk about it to friends and family, they wouldn't run away from me. And if they did, then I'd be better of without them.

If people run, don't be sad. Don't be angry. Don't hate yourself. Don't hate them. Be happy they left. Be happy that you now know the truth about them. Be happy because you were strong for telling them. Love yourself and believe that others do. Know that even though one left, others will stay. Believe that you can recover. Lift that weight off you shoulders, because you don't have to hide anymore.

I'm not saying go out and tell everyone you know about it, and try to discuss it with them in person, because that might not be easy for everyone. I know it wouldn't be for me. If you feel more comfortable talking to people over the internet or via text messages, do that instead. Personally, I feel more comfortable doing so, it's easier to reciprocate and portray my emotions when I write it down.

I hope you get some clarity after reading this post and make the right decision for you.

I still think that there is a lot more that I have to say, but I don't want to babble on even more than I already have. Regardless, thank you for taking the time to read this post.

-L x